Anyone who has seen me lately knows that I’ve gained weight. It’s pretty obvious. It’s not something I can physically hide. Emotionally, you ask? Sure, I can hide that way. I’m good at that. If I don’t talk about an issue or write about it, then it simply doesn’t exist. J Unfortunately, though, one can only hide for so long. So here we are … It’s been four months since I have written about my weight loss journey. At that time I admitted I had gained weight over the summer and I was going to try to rectify the situation. It sounded good. Really, it did. But here we are in that same place again …

I fell off the wagon. Hard.

While chatting with a very dear friend about my weight this week, she asked me, “Have you ever fallen off a real hay wagon? It hurts!” Indeed falling off the wagon – literally and figuratively – hurts! My weight gain over these last several months has bruised me and left me feeling pretty banged up emotionally. Those nasty voices in my head that had been nearly silenced by my weight loss success began to murmur, and the volume of their grumblings has increased steadily and proportionally with my weight gain. I’m embarrassed and at times, when I listen to those voices, I feel like a failure. I’ve wanted to hide and not talk about it or write about it. Ignore it. Pretend it doesn’t exist. But that method of “coping” hasn’t gotten me very far.

When I reflect back on my weight loss last year, I think part of my success was that I made it so public. I had public accountability as I posted my “new favorite number” on facebook each week and blogged about my relationship with food and its challenges. There was certainly a risk in being so public. People were watching – both the successes and the setbacks.

So I’m back to writing about this –not just for accountability purposes, but also as a matter of personal integrity. If I claim to be a transparent leader, then I need to share not only my successes, but my challenges as well. Not necessarily all of the gory details about those challenges, but I need to ADMIT that they’re there. There were times during the height of my weight loss success that some of my facebook friends shared their weight loss struggles with me. To honor their honesty, I need to be honest, too. There were others who said I was an inspiration … and to honor them, I need to admit that I’ve fallen off the wagon. Of course, I’m not doing this for others. If that is my sole reason for doing it, then it won’t work. I’m doing it for me – because I want to be healthy, I need to be healthy, and I need to care for myself as much as I care for other people.

When one has fallen and is hurt, banged up and bruised, standing and climbing onto the wagon can be a challenge. Sometimes one needs a helping hand or a boost to get back up there again. I’m grateful for that boost from friends and family.

So, to keep it honest, here are the numbers. I’ve gained back 49 of the 90 pounds I lost. Ouch! BUT … I’m still 41 pounds healthier than I was when I started this journey. 41. Yep, that’s my new favorite number.

Until next time (soon … NOT four months from now!), peace …

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8 Responses to Ouch!

  1. Nancy K. Gardner Shute says:

    Hugs. I begin on Feb. 1st.

  2. Deb Jeanblanc says:

    I began WW on line 2 days ago- I’ve been so not paying attention to what I’ve been eating that I also was shocked when I stepped on the scale- besides having to buy new clothes- We can do this I am so impressed by the weight you lost and eating healthy!

  3. Kay says:

    I love your honesty and am very proud of you for admitting that you have gained some back. However remember this is a life journey and we must learn to crawl, walk and then run. When we fall down, we just get back up and try again. With God on our side, we can not fail. Blessings and Hugs

  4. cb05486 says:

    We all have struggles, ways we deal with pain, ways we cope with stress, ways we hide. Some of us hide those ways, some of us wear them. The challenge is to learn and grow. You learned a lot, you are not only lighter physically but you are a different person inside. What have you learned that will make you stronger from the next part of your journey? You have the strength and the courage to do this -to be the person i saw shimmering in the light.

  5. Donna Donat says:

    My goal is to lose 60lbs and I was stuck @ 26 forever the I gained 4 of it back. This past Monday I had a Dr’s appt and was surprised to find I lost 2lbs. My goal is to lose 12 more by my appointment in May. We can do it Robin I know we can.

  6. Alberta Z. Stojkovic says:

    Keep on keeping on! My wagon was smoking. Quitting was easy. I did it 100 times til I got really tired and with the help of a group, my family, patches and a sticker book, I quit after 27 years smoking. That was 16 years ago! Just kept on keeping on. Never, never give up. Do whatever it takes. Keep blogging, keep sharing. I love your humanity and your humility in this. You can do it! Alberta

  7. Ellen Zienert says:

    I’ve lost 35 pounds and fell off the wagon in August. I am trying to get back on – climbing back on the wagon is harder than falling off – there are bruises that way too. Anyway you are an inspiration for me to step up my efforts.

  8. Becky Jones says:

    If it was an easy journey, none of us would be overweight, right? Keep working, keep struggling, never give up is the most important part, from the girl who hasn’t even started yet.

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